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History of the Octian Religion
"Hail Der Octopus. Bow down to Der Octopus. Praise Der Octopus. For He is The Greatest, for He is ever-knowing" -The First Der Foorer Genesis In the beginning of time there was nothing. Nothing, literally nothing. Then, suddenly out burst the universe and along with it, Der Nonopus, for he was born with nine powerful, enlightening tentacles. This was the big bang, and formed all the planetary bodies and such. Der Nonopus, decided to decide on a name for His Great Self, and decided on Nonian, His Great Tentacliness. His Great Tentacliness then created all life from His godly, life-giving ink, and formed the human, plants, animals, a mate for Himself, Octianess, Her Wonderful Tentacliness (who only had eight tentacles), and a loyal and kind assistant, der squid, Milessquid. It puzzled His Great Tentacliness why His mate had only eight tentacles, but He knew that the mate He formed for Himself, was meant to be His mate for all of eternity. Afterwards, Nonian, His Great Tentacliness went looking for a land where He could reside, but could not, and thus He formed the Magnificent World of Octlantis and on it, the Haus Der Tentaklen, the beautiful palace where He resides, and still resides in. The First Enlightenment One day, der squid, Milessquid, decided that he wanted a mate. He pleaded to Nonian, His Great Tentacliness, and Nonian simply said, "Do not worry, trustworthy assistant, if you desire a mate, I will present to you a mate." His Great Tentacliness then directed his assistant to the Garden at the Haus Der Tentaklen, and scooped up a handful of golden soil and with an addition of his powerful ink, Milessquid's mate, Allentee, was formed. She had �black flowing hair, as black as the ink it came from(which was actually a little bit purple). And for many years, the couple had a beautiful relationship. They had never hated each other (even when the mate saw milessquid trying to make another clone of her for his own pleasure) They had never argued about having somthing they wanted. If one wanted a amazing sea party, they got it. If one wanted a child, they had one (like there was another child). The Decent Following His Great Tentacliness' great progress and prosperity, would come the worst era in the history of the Octian Religion, The Great Octian War. The war was kick-started by the mliessquid druged his tentacliness, out of shere greed, throwing him into a deep sleep. However, the drug was not powerful enough and he awakened soon after, and wasted no time retaleating. He started by taking Allentee, and sealing her in a cave full of oysters. Yes. Oysters. A fate more grusome than death. Worse than getting stabed 10 times with a pickaxe. Worse than drowning in lava. Worse than you get the point. The Slumber After The Great Octian War, all the dinosaurs had all been killed by the squids, and Pangea had begun to split. For the next several thousand years his great Tentacliness lived in solitude under the sea, hoping earth could heal alone. Unfortunately, the squids took advantage of this slumber to throw the world into further chaos. When the Octian finaly awoke in 1960, he realized his mistake: Thinking humanity could evolve by itself. He then created the most powerful religous object since the cross; The Bart train, or as the locals call it: Mother train. This train delivers messages directly from the Octians mind to his subjects. The completion of the Bart train marked the end of the slumber. Each passing train repesents a tenticle. Revival His Great Tentacliness is revived by Otorariosash, who was anther octopus god, hailing form another plain of existence. After reviving His Great Tentacliness, he gave him the Eight commandments, to help insure that His Tentacliness would never again trust thee untrustworthy. The Holy 8 as issued: # Pray at least once a day to a holy brick # Denounce all other religions as squid ink # Eat squid whenever given the opportunity # Turn up every weekend # Watch the James Bond movie, Octopussy # Smoke weed everyday, drink weed everyday, eat weed everyday # Follow your sage to the letter # Ride the bart train Realizing He now has only eight tentacles, He decides that his name must be changed. With His very intelligent and creative mind He concludes that His new name will be Octian, His Great Tentacliness, an amazing and unique shift from his previous name (Nonian, His Great Tentacliness). Even though he always thought highly of the number 8, Octian was sightly sad to have less tentacles.